We won't sleep together?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
