remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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