I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
