first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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