Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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