so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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