This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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