I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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