Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
