That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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