THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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