I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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