My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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