i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
farters have to be the big spoon...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
