Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
