Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she pinky promised me she was 18
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
