she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
