I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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