I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
