DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
