hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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