He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
