So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
