so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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