also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
did i walk over a car last night?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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