I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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