My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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