We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
