Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
