Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It's Friday. Sex?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
