its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
