My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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