If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
