It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
