Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I look better un-naked...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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