between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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