Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
