mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
