thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
