she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
