I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what day is it and did you see me today?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
