marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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