I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Randomize
