then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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