If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you would pick up someone in the library
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
