and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
