He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
