Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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