Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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