**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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