Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
