So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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